The 10 Worst Teams in College Football

[BigBlueAlum 12]

Just read this article in my newest issue of Maxim.

 

http://www.maxim.com/sports/sports-blog/94194/10-worst-teams-in-college-football.html

 

The 10 Worst Teams in College Football

 

Posted Monday 08/16/2010 1:30 PM in Sports Blog by Maxim Staff

 

 

 

Our annual countdown of the most useless squads the BCS has to offer. Because nothing’s more fun than sitting on your ass mocking people who try hard.

 

 

10. NOTRE DAME

 

Any notion that the Irish are lucky should be long gone by now. Sure, they got rid of human cheeseburger Charlie Weis, who brought the once-storied team to the height of mediocrity over five seasons, but new coach Brian Kelly grabbed the reins just in time to wave goodbye to star QB Jimmy Clausen. His replacement, junior Dayne Crist, is coming off a major knee injury and will have to learn an offense that’s only marginally less complicated than the plot of Inception. Plus, the defense will be switching to a new scheme after giving up a school record 400 yards per game last year. Give the Irish credit for their smarts, though: By scheduling sandbag games like Army and Western Michigan, they might be able to pad their record. And their tiny leprechaun egos.

 

9. MISSISSIPPI STATE

 

Mississippi is famous for three things: double letters, a really long river, and, lately, some really bad football. The Bulldogs managed to scrape their way to three conference wins in the super-competitive SEC last year—including a vic*tory over nationally ranked local rival Ole Miss—on their way to a 5-7 overall record. They even led the conference in rushing yards per game, but that was largely due to running back Anthony Dixon, who departed for the NFL. The good news? The defense returns eight starters, who just might have a sense of where the end zone is after giving up 321 points last year. (Psst, guys—just in case, it’s behind you!) Bottom line: State’s improving slightly, but like Miley Cyrus, it’s at least a year or two away from prime time.

 

8. COLORADO

 

Congratulations to coach Dan Hawkins! Thanks to your 16-33 record over four seasons, we’re crowning you Most Likely to Get Canned in 2010. Hawkins was hired to fire up Colorado’s offense, but with last year’s Buffaloes scoring less than an armless midget at a slam dunk contest, it’s easy to see why the unemployment rate should rise by one in the Rocky Mountains area after this season. Not helping matters is the team’s brutal Big 12 schedule, which includes games at Nebraska and Oklahoma. Don’t wait for the mountains to turn blue, Colorado fans—better start pounding those Coors Lights now.

 

7. LOUISVILLE

 

Here’s hoping fans at Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium get free breadsticks with their order of weekly gridiron misery; otherwise there’s pretty much no reason for them to attend a game. Incoming coach Charlie Strong is hoping to reenergize a once-promising program that’s won only 15 games over the past three seasons. But in the process, he’ll have to resolve a quarterback controversy between seniors Adam Froman and Justin Burke, who led the Cards to a combined average of 18 points per game last year. Lucky for Coach, that competition may sort itself out. Since the O-line allowed 37 sacks last year, one if not both of the QBs will probably end up in the hospital. Is it basketball season yet?

 

6. MINNESOTA

 

As Minnesota’s been playing football since 1882, you’d think they’d have gotten the hang of it by now. Sadly, that seems not to be the case. The Golden Gophers are far beneath the Nittany Lions, Wolverines, and Badgers on the conference food chain, and without an inspiring mascot change (the Mutant Panthers of Death, perhaps?), they’re likely to get eaten alive yet again. With an offense that finished dead last in scoring last year, the maroon and gold seems certain to be the 11th team in the Big 10.

 

5. SYRACUSE

 

The program built on gridiron legends like Ernie Davis and the great Jim Brown has fallen on hard times over the past, oh, 10 years. In 2009 alum Doug Marrone took over, fresh off a two-year stint as offensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints, and injected upstate New York with a much-needed shot of adrenaline in the form of QB Greg Paulus. An ex-Duke point guard who was able to retain one year of football eligibility, Paulus had just enough time and skill to lead ’Cuse to a not completely embarrassing 4-8 record. But the Orange secondary handed offenses 235 yards per game, which spells trouble heading into this season. Maybe Marrone should get Donovan McNabb back onto the field? Can’t be any worse than playing for the Redskins.

 

4. DUKE

 

This team is to football what Pauly D and the Situation are to sex: They get some play, but that doesn’t mean they’re any good. The consistently atrocious Blue Devils actually won five games last year for the first time since 1994, but their one bright spot, QB Thaddeus Lewis, graduated to the pros. Translation: The Dookies offense will have to rely on a running game that churned out a Division I–worst 63.5 yards per game, roughly the equivalent of the quarterback falling forward on every play. Maybe that’s why they chose to open the season against the mighty Elon Phoenix of Division I-AA. Calling Coach K: Can you spare a motion offense for your friends down the hall?

 

3. VANDERBILT

 

Pop quiz: If your football program just went 2-10 for the third time in eight seasons, would you load the following year’s schedule with weak extra-conference opponents and local junior colleges, or would you arrange to play against 10 teams who made bowl appearances last year? If you’re ex-Vanderbilt coach Bobby Johnson, you choose door number two…then quit just three weeks before your first scheduled practice, leaving your O-line coach holding the bag. The decision to take the hard road is even more puzzling given that the Commodores’ D is losing five of its front seven starters. Factor in the loss of four offensive linemen as well and your guess is as good as ours as to what the hell’s gonna happen at the line of scrimmage in any of these games. You’re likely to see more cohesive movement—and be far more entertained—at a Civil War reenactment.

 

2. VIRGINIA

 

Though Virginia alums refer to their school as the “Harvard of the ACC,†the Cavaliers weren’t smart enough to improve their aerial attack after finishing last in the conference in pass efficiency in 2009. The only QB on the team with any experience, Marc Verica, threw 16 interceptions in ’08 and, unsurprisingly, saw limited action last year. Expect two early wins against creampuff opponents Richmond and Virginia Military Institute…followed by a thunderous collapse into one of the worst seasons on record. Maybe they should try to poach a couple of players from the lacrosse team—we hear they’re killer athletes.

 

1. WASHINGTON STATE

 

Everyone knows Cougars are easy, but what happened in Pullman last year is ridiculous. The entire Pac-10 scored at will on WSU, which gave up 357 points while putting a pathetic 80 on the board. Only an overtime win against Southern Methodist saved them from a winless record. (Thanks, Jesus!) But they may not be so lucky this year. Returning to the turf is an offensive line that should’ve been charged with involuntary manslaughter after allowing its QB to be sacked a whopping 53 times. In fact, the ‘09 squad ranked last in every single one of the Pac-10’s major statistical categories. Throw in a worst-in-the-nation defense that gave up more than 500 yards per game and the Cougs’ chances of success this season drop to nil. What about incoming recruits, you ask? What about that 1-17 conference record over the past two years, we answer. Let’s face it: No one’s coming to save WSU anytime soon. In fact, if you can tackle and would like a four-year degree in veterinary medicine (their program is the tops!), feel free to give Coach Wulff a ring. And, Washington State, take heart. The dubious honor we’ve just bestowed on you does have one upside: This is the only top 10 list you’re gonna make this year. You’re welcome!

 

 

THREE JEERS

Sometimes bad fans happen to perfectly good teams.

 

West Virginia University

Incest-related mental illness is no excuse for vandalizing your own kicker’s car after he misses two field goals or sending death threats to your coach’s teenage kids after he resigns.

 

University of Oregon

Your stadium is one of the loudest and most fearsome in the country. But what really revs you guys up? When a giant plush duck rides a motorcycle onto the field before games.

 

Penn State

Campus cops reported 397 incidents during the 2008 season, 62 percent related to alcohol. In fact, you guys get so lit at games, you created a cheer to remind yourselves what’s going on: “We are! Penn State!" Actually, that’s kind of awesome.

 

University of South Carolina

We get it: Your mascot is the gamecock, and cock is another word for penis, so it’s freakin’ hilarious to wear a hat that says cocks on it. Good one.

[deuceswild 15]

Haha very nice find. "Harvard of the ACC"...hasn't Harvard actually been decent in football the last few years? In terms of Ivy League standards, anyway..

[Deleted Account 5,203]

I typically love these sorts of articles, but this one struck me as poorly researched and vindictive with little purpose. The line between being sarcastically funny and being a d-bag is more clear cut than this. But what should I expect? It's Maxim.

 

A few things here:

 

1. The writer obviously has something against the more academic members of 1-A athletics. Four of the Top 5, and five of the Top 10 are ranked 50th or better by U.S. News and World Report. Syracuse and Duke have been on the way up lately, while Notre Dame is nowhere near "10th-most-useless" or whatever on Earth the measuring stick is.

 

2. I have NEVER heard anyone associated with UVA in any manner call the University the "Harvard of the ACC". Not 1 time, and I've met thousands of my fellow alums. I've heard "member of the public Ivies" before, but that's the closest I've ever heard. It's by no means a majority, if at all.

 

3. To be the worst season in UVA history, it'd have to be 0-12. To be "one of the worst", it'd have to be 1-11, because there were SEVERAL 1-win stinkers from 1953-1979. Obviously, a writer who has no sense of football history. But again, it's Maxim, not SI.

 

4. No mention of the coaching change. None. But again...

 

5. Betcha UVA wins at least 5 this season, and at least 2 in the ACC.

 

Perhaps I'm being hard on Maxim. Oh well.

[deuceswild 15]

I don't think anyone will argue that Maxim is clearly no expert on sports articles but they are pretty decent at humor. We can all agree that there are far worse teams out there, but this one is pinned as the worst teams for their stature as a university. At least that is how I interpretted it...

[NewHampshireRed 94]

I don't think anyone will argue that Maxim is clearly no expert on sports articles but they are pretty decent at humor. We can all agree that there are far worse teams out there, but this one is pinned as the worst teams for their stature as a university. At least that is how I interpretted it...

 

Pretty much the Sam way I interpretted it myself, pretty funny lol

[deuceswild 15]

And for the record, I have heard Hoos refer to UVA as the Harvard of the ACC but they weren't being serious about it. At least, not that I could tell.

[EH31 2,533]

that cracked me up haha

[dshreeves 37]

I was happy to see Tennessee wasn't on the list as i assumed they might be when i saw the thread. Whew! haha

[vthokies4life 10]

So why are "incest" jokes and West Virginia so prevalent? I mean, I would love to see the rate of incest related to other states in a study. It really sucks that people are so dumb that they think they are being original with incest jokes (or, not mentioned in this article, couch burning jokes...). Seriously. If you want to make fun of WVU, make fun of the fact that they can't beat predominantly basketball-centric schools while they focus on their football program. Losing the Big East to Cincy? Come on... Not Cool. But still better than incest, which is NOT TRUE.

[GetMoney55 11]

Take a chill pill there, hokies. People have made fun of WV for plenty of years and will continue to do so as long as the people of the state keep making fools of themselves. WV will always be that ugly, unfortunate little cousin-sister that other states can pick on.

[wvuraiders 10]

So why are "incest" jokes and West Virginia so prevalent? I mean, I would love to see the rate of incest related to other states in a study. It really sucks that people are so dumb that they think they are being original with incest jokes (or, not mentioned in this article, couch burning jokes...). Seriously. If you want to make fun of WVU, make fun of the fact that they can't beat predominantly basketball-centric schools while they focus on their football program. Losing the Big East to Cincy? Come on... Not Cool. But still better than incest, which is NOT TRUE.

 

i agree with this post and I am pleased that someone is rational in their thinking. I am proudly born and raised in WV it has many wonderful things to offer and many good people. A very proud heritage of blue collar workers. Are there bad things in our state sure, but what state does not have that? In my coaching I have been in some very terrible places in southwest virginia but people fail to mention those etc...I could go on and on...but i do appreciate your post.

[NewHampshireRed 94]

i agree with this post and I am pleased that someone is rational in their thinking. I am proudly born and raised in WV it has many wonderful things to offer and many good people. A very proud heritage of blue collar workers. Are there bad things in our state sure, but what state does not have that? In my coaching I have been in some very terrible places in southwest virginia but people fail to mention those etc...I could go on and on...but i do appreciate your post.

 

My Girlfriend is from Wva lol... Great, hard working coal mining family. Nothing wrong with that not any what so ever. Just damn WVU fans haha jk