Things I don't miss about football season

[deuceswild 15]

Everyone has been high on the up and coming football season and I'll admit I'm one of them but while others are dreaming of the season to come, I started thinking of a few things about football season that actually kinda suck.

 

1) Productivity at the office

Football season means my work here at the office hits a new low every year. Between tracking down prep predictions, reading columns about the Hokies' next game, or tweaking my fantasy roster, I'm costing my employer hundreds of dollars PER DAY. I'm not even overstating that. I'm seriously one hidden camera in my office away from being stuck at home on unemployment, slurping on Ramen, and finding ways to make money on the internet. By the way, I have some funny cat videos I need to upload now that I'm thinking about it....

 

2) Game Day Traffic

Whether its high school, college, or pro, I can't find anywhere to put my damn car. At high school games I try to park at the nearest business and walk over so that I can have the best trek out of there. But this doesn't always work, especially at some away games where the school is in the middle of nowhere (talking to you Damascus). At Rural Retreat I stayed parked in a baseball field past midnight waiting for 200 hundred cars to squeeze out in single file. For college games, forget it. I'm finding a way to get there sober without a car and a better way to get home hammered without a car. And though I don't go to many pro games, all of my buddies driveways were designed for tiny clown cars and bicycles. If I'm almost late for kickoff, I don't care if your neighbor has problems with people parking in his grass, he can take it up with you after I leave.

 

3) Cheerleaders

In college and pro I'm so far removed from the cheerleaders that I honestly can't give them the appreciation they rightly deserve. I follow their cheers in Hokie stadium and I gawk at them on my television for my Dallas Cowboys. But for high school games.. I can't deal with it. Cheerleaders are a necessary part of the high school football culture, I get that. But I can't take 10 to 15 teenage girls screaming at my face while I'm trying to watch a football game. There's that one thats just a little off and I can't stop watching her fall behind her routines and then suddenly BAM, I missed something awesome on the gridirion.

 

4) Halftime shows

In pro games you often don't see the halftime shows, instead you get to watch Shannon Sharpe do his best impersonation of a horse while recanting the first half of the game your'e watching. In college, you get to watch the bands make some pretty sweet shapes out on the field and play a recognizable tune if you're there in person. For high school games, you get to sit right beside the band and have one of your ear drums victimized by the sound of a hundred deranged cats beaten with wiffleball bats filled with the screams of dying children. And then at halftime, you get to watch them march aimlessly around while the flag girls pick up, drop, and throw their flags off beat and out of sync with the rest. The band is an integral part of the high school football culture and high school football wouldn't be the same without it. Some are better than others, definitely. And when there is a good one, boy do I appreciate them. I clap extra hard, I really do. I make it hurt.

 

5) Restrooms

There is no college or high school stadium restroom that doesn't look like it was the victim of a Taco Bell festival back before toilet paper was invented. They all smell like pee and that standing water that seems to be in all of them? Thats not water.

 

6) Concession stand lines

At a college game you'll pay an arm for a turkey leg and you'll wait a whole quarter just to get it. At a high school game, you think you're smart by jetting to the stand with two minutes to go in the half. But an entire halftime later, all you're left with is heartburn and that funny feeling like you missed the third quarter.

 

7) Homecoming

Some schools don't even need a homecoming because no one has ever left. Evident by the fact that everyone there has had the same last names since the Civil War. But of course every school has them and I always seem to find the nearest homecoming game to go to which means an extra long halftime. Jimmy wants to be a vet, likes Jesus, and has a 3.8 GPA while Sally like dancing, social studies, and is taking up my sweet football time. Sure, she looks beautiful tonight and that homecoming dance is sure to be a riot but I'm here to watch 22 dudes fight in the dirt. Again, high school football isn't the same without a homecoming game but that extra long halftime doesn't do my aversion of cold weather or hard bleachers any favors. Speaking of which...

 

8) Bleachers are hard

My family lineage isn't blessed in the backyard department. When I sit in the sand, my butt print looks like the fossils of two hard boiled eggs. That being said, I can't sit on bleachers for very long no matter their material. Concrete murders me and aluminum just means my legs go numb in the third quarter instead of the first. I have found that little padded stadium seats do wonders though. Seriously, check them out if you have "Nobuttitus" like I do.

 

9) High school doesn't have instant replay

I know this isn't high school's fault, there isn't enough resources or money to even come close to making it work. But after watching college and pro football get it right for nearly a decade now, when I see a bad call on Friday nights I almost can't breathe. I'm so spoiled by instant replay that when I see a call go wrong, no matter what team benefits, my bloodpressure reaches DEFCOM 5 which if you know anything about bloodpressure or DEFCOMS, thats pretty serious.

 

All in all, I love high school football. I love all football. But there are some things out there that are what they are and will never change.. Nor should they, because without the imperfections its not real.

Edited August 3, 2011 by deuceswild

[Jason 299]

hahahahaha!

[futbolking 766]

If only I could sit back in my recliner and watch the high school games on my tv....life would be great.

[Guest The Variable]

Reading this at work and thinking its one of the most true and hilarious things written.

[blueinbama 259]

Deuces, you have made my day. This is too funny!

[Lance 228]

Restrooms

There is no college or high school stadium restroom that doesn't look like it was the victim of a Taco Bell festival back before toilet paper was invented. They all smell like pee and that standing water that seems to be in all of them? Thats not water.

 

 

i have not been in the bathrooms at Grundy since the mid 80's and have no plans to return there, in fact this posting brought back a memory that was best left alone...lol...they may have cleaned them up now, I wouldn't know...but, back in the day it looked like a Saw film was shot in there.

[bucfan64 309]

Nice,

 

You need to submit this somewhere.......

[stu_bean 1,058]

i have not been in the bathrooms at Grundy since the mid 80's and have no plans to return there, in fact this posting brought back a memory that was best left alone...lol...they may have cleaned them up now, I wouldn't know...but, back in the day it looked like a Saw film was shot in there.

I went there the last time we played Grundy and I would say that it is still the same.

I would also add Richlands to the list of undesirable bathrooms as well.

 

Glad to see that others out there agree with me on the Homecoming and cheerleaders as well!