BigBlueAlum 12 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 Let's keep them (relatively) clean...please. I'll start with a couple of my favorites... All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces "we're just waiting for the pilots.". The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys are out in the woods hunting deer. As they climb a hill, a bear appears out of nowhere and mauls one of them, then runs away with the hunter's lunch. The second hunter sees his friend lying on the ground motionless, blood everywhere from deep wounds. He frantically calls 911. "911, what's your emergency?" "My friend just got mauled by a bear, I think he's dead" "Ok, calm down sir. We're sending an ambulance. Now what I need you to do is make sure he's dead not just unconscious." The dispatcher hears a gunshot in the background. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "Ok, now what?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go for the juggler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deleted Account 5,203 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Reverently funny or irreverently funny? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebel1 35 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Chuck Norris is so tough, he can blow bubbles with beef jerky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan4VT 4,557 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Chuck Norris is so tough, he can blow bubbles with beef jerky. Straight up giggled like a school girl.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluefieldRocks 14 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMan 3,569 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 You know those seashells that you can put up to your ear and hear the ocean??? Well, I knew a girl that had a tatoo of one of those shells on the inside of her thigh...the only difference was, when you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityofRaven 2,453 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Abingdon Falcon football. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deuceswild 15 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Let's keep them (relatively) clean...please. I'll start with a couple of my favorites... All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces "we're just waiting for the pilots.". The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys are out in the woods hunting deer. As they climb a hill, a bear appears out of nowhere and mauls one of them, then runs away with the hunter's lunch. The second hunter sees his friend lying on the ground motionless, blood everywhere from deep wounds. He frantically calls 911. "911, what's your emergency?" "My friend just got mauled by a bear, I think he's dead" "Ok, calm down sir. We're sending an ambulance. Now what I need you to do is make sure he's dead not just unconscious." The dispatcher hears a gunshot in the background. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "Ok, now what?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go for the juggler. Haha, all three of these were good for chuckles. Thanks for posting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falconman 44 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Abingdon Falcon football. Haha not! Heres one for ya, I went cow tipping the other night and tipped over your fat arse!:p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityofRaven 2,453 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Haha not! Heres one for ya, I went cow tipping the other night and tipped over your fat arse!:p How about you quit letting the kids on the short bus write your jokes for ya. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan4VT 4,557 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 How about you quit letting the kids on the short bus write your jokes for ya. Shhhhh. Don't expose his secret. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canes00 434 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 being more frustrated than an albino in a snowstorm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canes00 434 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 (edited) a chinese couple had a white baby they named it sum ting wong Edited October 20, 2011 by Canes00 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canes00 434 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 What has 300 legs and 7 teeth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheChampIsHere 10 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 West Virginia Joke.... West Virginia and Virginia were in a big stateline brawl, So somebody from west virginia threw a grenade, a guy from Virginia picked it up pulled the pin and threw it back. Had to do it sorry lol... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityofRaven 2,453 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Why did the woman cross the road? I don't know either but she better get her ass back in the kitchen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheChampIsHere 10 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Why did the woman cross the road? I don't know either but she better get her ass back in the kitchen. +1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan4VT 4,557 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 why did the woman cross the road? I don't know either but she better get her ass back in the kitchen. +100 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stu_bean 1,058 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Sorry another WV joke but always thought was funny Why are the residents of Bland County always depressed? They Saw the light at the end of the tunnel, it was West Virginia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityofRaven 2,453 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan4VT 4,557 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice! Lmao, I'd heard that one, but forgotten all about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GmanFan 21 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Preacher goes to the nursing home to visit a church member. While there he helps himself to a bowl of peanuts by her bed. As they chat for sometime, he proceeds to eat all of the peanuts. When he got ready to leave, he realized he had eaten all of the peanuts. Preacher says to her " Sally, I'm sorry that I ate all of your peanuts. When I come back to see you, I will bring you some more." Sally said to the preacher " Don't worry about it. I already sucked all the chocolate off of those ones." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deleted Account 5,203 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Abingdon Falcon football. This made me laugh harder than anything else thus far. Bravo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deleted Account 5,203 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Here's a collection of mine. Q: What were Patsy Cline's last words? A: I hope we crash hard, I don't want to be walking after midnight. A husband and his wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. Reminiscing on that magical night, the wife turned to her husband and said: "Honey, what were you thinking the first time you saw me naked as a married woman?". The man said: "I wanted to make love to you so hard that you looked like a mile of bad road." As the woman slowly undressed, she said: "What are you thinking now?". The husband answered: "Looks like I did a damn good job." What a woman says... This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and You'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears... blah blah blah blah blah C'MON! YOU AND I blah blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bugsbunny 12 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Everybody knows that Tennessean's favorite hard liquor is Jack Daniels. Do you know what Tennessean's favorite "whine" is? Answer: "Why can't we ever beat Alabama?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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